The Great Shinobi Bake Off is returning to Konoha.
The last season ended in a disaster that resulted in the esteemed Shodaime hastily passing the hat off to his brother and absconding off somewhere with the winner, Uchiha Madara, who burned down the bake off tent during the final round in a rage.
They’re likely still fighting each other to the death somewhere, judging by the strained grimace the Nidaime always has when the Shodaime sends him postcards.
Now it’s time for round two, and Shimura Danzō is ready.
Baking is precision. There are rules. A correct way to do things. Mastery of perfect baking is mastery as a perfect shinobi.
Baking is power. The formation of seemingly innocuous ingredients to concoct masterpieces of form and flavor that could bring the strongest to their knees.
A winner of Bake Off is a winner at life.
Shimura Danzō is ready. Ready to win.
—-
The first sign things might not go according to plan is when Koharu takes one look at his design plan for their Admiration Cake challenge and laughs at him.
“A bit obsessive, even for you, Shimura,” Koharu leers.
“There is nothing wrong with celebrating the power and will of the Shodaime!”
“You gave him an open shirt, Shimura. You’re sculpting him nipples and an eight pack out of fondant.”
How dare she; the Shodaime is the pinnacle of excellence, physically and mentally. Danzō dreams about his Wood Release.
He explains as much when the Nidaime stops by his table. And, hah, eat that, Koharu: he didn’t say anything negative about it! He… didn’t actually say anything about it at all. He just stared at the design specs and then stared at Danzō before turning around and walking away.
Worse, that suck-up Kagami is making his cake about the Nidaime, the judge! That has to be illegal or something.
“Tobirama-sensei is important to me,” Kagami totally simpers to the camera, “I’m making this cake with symbolic imagery: still water with a mirror glaze and flowing water of fondant to represent his calm wisdom and strength of character.”
Danzō wants to gag.
Worse still, Hiruzen is making a cake with both the Shodaime and the Nidaime.
“When I considered this challenge, both the Shodaime and the Nidaime came to mind. How could I choose between them? To only admire one is to neglect the influence and support of the other. I admire their teamwork and their applications of their collective strengths to help found the greatest village in the Elemental Nations. To this effect, I chose complimentary flavors that are greater together than they ever are separate.”
…Goddammit that’s genius.
—-
The technical challenge is… daifuku mochi.
Danzō blinks. “That—what, that’s not really thematically relevant.”
Torifu shrugs. “It’s technical?”
Whatever. Danzō can do this. Baking is nothing but technical. He’s going to win.
At judging, it’s down to Danzō and Kagami.
“In second place,” the Nidaime says, “is this one.” He points to—Danzō’s? No. No! That means—
“The winner of this week’s technical challenge is Kagami!”
Danzō seethes inside. What? What? How? Did he cheat? Use his Sharingan? Could Danzō only achieve true perfection with eyes like his?
“I actually make these every week—” Kagami tries to say, but Danzō won’t hear a word of it.
—-
The final challenge is monstrous. With only fifteen minutes to go, Danzō fears he won’t finish in time.
Hiruzen—already done, that asshole—comes over to his table. “Anything I can help with?”
“No,” says Danzō, not at all petulant.
“Here, I’ll help roll some fondant flowers.”
Hiruzen works next to Danzō as Danzō works as fast as he can to finish his icing, growing more frustrated with every little error. He’s about ready to flip over the cake stand when Hiruzen places a steady hand over Danzō’s.
He smiles, calm and warm, “You can do this. I believe in you.”
Danzō’s so flustered he drops the piping bag.
—-
Hiruzen even beats him to the fucking camera interview. “We all did so well. If I am the first to go, I’ll accept the loss, if only to see all the other contestants go farther.”
Danzō wanted to say that! Shit!
Then the moment arrives: the judging. Danzō thinks he has an excellent shot at star baker. His bakes were the best; he’s certain the technical was a total fluke.
“This week’s star baker had a flair for flavor, a keen eye for detail, and kept a cool head under pressure.”
Yes, this sounds like Danzō.
“And best of all, he really showed us the power of teamwork. Congratulations, Hiruzen!”
Fuck!
“Unfortunately one of you cannot join us next week, so we’ll have to say goodbye to… Danzō.”
Danzō is beginning to understand why the tent burned down last season. Is that it, then? Is that what it takes to rule in Konoha? Special eyes, sabotage?
That it doesn’t matter unless you win.
Oh, then Danzō will show them. He’ll become the true meaning of Star Baker.
Tag: naruto
Mito and Tobirama
I heard you weren’t feeling well! so I sketched you a lil thingy. thing. Temari tried.
wishing you a speedy recovery!
Naruto ballet/gymnastics AU where naruto is a gymnast but Coach Kakashi tells his he has no sense of poise/elegance and is all power, so he sends him to ballet lesson. There he meets the Hyuga cousins who are like top notch and have been a duo since they were little. Neji is really hesitant of Naruto because he thinks Naruto treats ballet as a joke, but Hinata thinks the new kid is really nice, and even offers to help him learn.
*side note: Naruto invites Hinata and Neji to his gymnastics competition later and Neji gets a huge crush on Naruto’s teammate who does the floor routine (@ tenten LOL)
I’m gonna say something that’s been stewing in my mind for years. People are gonna hate but idc right now. I feel like the Uchiha clan is treated a lot like black people were/are. They’re fucking blamed for all kinds of bullshit that ain’t their fault, they’ve been persecuted, genocided and forced to serve the fuck ass people who oppressed them. They were used to do all the dirty work while the oppressors sat back and benefited. Everyone wanted the Uchiha power but not the oppression.
It’s not something people should get mad over if they’ve actually read the manga. Haku flat out said: If you have a kekkei genkai, you will get judged. The Senju already had a prejudice against the Uchiha, but dear old Tobirama thought it would be lovely to make it worse.
Rock Lee: Bullied because he couldn’t use ninjutsu but wanted to be a shinobi
The Bijuus: Treated as bombs when under hot water but they are scum otherwise.
The Hyuuga: The land of lightening tried to kidnap Hinata and snatch her eyes. THEY ALSO tried to kidnap Kushina because she was from the Uzumaki clan.
8 ways to Sunday if you have something that sets you apart from the fray, you will get judged. And the Uchiha got the brunt of it all thanks to some butthurt brother of Hashirama.
Ever wonder why it took so long for Sakura to get some skills? Because she doesn’t have anything that sets her apart. Yes, she is good at genjutsu… But ya’ll forgot about Kurenai tho…
Yes Sakura is a medic, and a student of Tsunade. But ya’ll readily threw Tsunade to the side and forgot alll about Shizune tho.
It’s incredibly how the Uchiha is such a inseparable part of Sasuke and yet he’s thrown together with the least qualified person to sympathize. 1) Knows he’s an orphan, makes fun of an orphan to his face 2) Makes his trauma about herself when Sasuke hates it even when Naruto tries to relate their experiences 3) Doesn’t bother to understand him before entering assassin mode 4) The only Team 7 member who never found out about the truth of Itachi/Uchiha clan despite having just as much screentime.
I don’t understand it either.
Even though I dislike Boruto and his ninja pals I just can’t help feel sorry for them since they are trained as ninja and they might die or see their friends die on the battlefield and might and up like Obito.Honestly why do their parents allow this?
Because they’re brainwashed into believing they should sacrifice everything for the village, including their own children. Hashirama said it himself.
Honestly I find this disgusting. Like how can fans believe Konoha is right when they see 12-years old kill, get killed and exposed to emotional and physical trauma? I just get sick seeing a 7-years old Tobirama with a sword bigger than him,12-years old Team 8 killing during the Chuunin Exam, the Sannin get thrown into the battlefield at 6, 13-years old Rin get killed, 16-years old Sasuke facing death more than once and escaping with heavy injuries. It’s just so disgusting, yet everyone act like it’s okay. The villages ask for total obediance, for people to suppress their emotions and kill their own friends and family for it because nothing, absolutely nothing should be more important than loyalty toward the village.
The shinobi world is an extremely violent and dangerous place, and it needs to be changed, yet those who try to get called “crazy”, “evil” and “in darkness”. Especially the whole child soldiers thing. It should be abolished altogether, yet nothing happens. Hell, the age to enroll the Academy is 5. They train both physically and mentally since they’re toddlers to become assassins without even being asked their opinion. How is it right? How can Konoha act like a victim when one of those child soldiers turns out crazy like Orochimaru? I won’t even talk about Jinchuurikis, nukenins being killed for running away, clans being massacred for being too “dangerous” and orphans raising themselves like stray dogs.
But well, pros think that our only complaint about the ending are ships -_-
Hogwarts is honestly chaos
I am literally fighting to breathe
In defence of female characters [2/?] → Hinata Hyuga
This is a pretty lukewarm take but the fact that only one (1) girl made it to the final rounds of the chunin exams despite most of the girls fighting each other in the prelims is. Really annoying to say the least
Ino should have made it to the final at least. She had Sakura beat before that b.s. Inner Sakura trap Kishi pulled
And if Hinata had been paired with literally anyone else she would’ve made it into the final round too.
Except for Gaara and maybe Temari. Other than that, Hinata would’ve most likely made it to the finals if she had fought anyone else. @mythicalheartbeat The only reason Ino didn’t win was because Naruto interfered with Ino’s jutsu. It was fair game on Ino’s part because she outsmarted Sakura like a real shinobi but because of plot armor, the match between Ino and Sakura had to be a draw.
Cheloneuniverse 