Tag: Welcome to Night Vale

Here’s where I want to tell you that I drew a glowing sword, and he drew a sword made of fire. I want to tell you our mighty blades clashed above our heads as our elbows and faces met. I think it would be a really cool thing to say that I then pushed him back with a kick to the chest and swung my blade down upon him as he tried to deflect it with his own, my sword shattering his, causing him to burst open with white light and doves, and order returned for good to Night Vale. But what I’m going to tell you is: I don’t own a sword.

Cecil Palmer
Who’s a Good Boy Part 2 (via the-fandom-is-strong-with-her)

If you could press a button that would give you a great deal of money, but it would cause someone you don’t know in a distant part of the world to die, then you would have a good model for how our current economy works.

Cecil Palmer, Welcome to Night Vale episode 105: “What Happened at the Smithwick House” (via doctortreklock)

shamrockjolnes:

It’s worryingly easy to picture a version of Jurassic Park created and run by Cave Johnson from the Portal series instead of John Hammond. It’s one of those situations where the crossover just writes itself.

“Welcome to Jurassic Park. Paleontologists, lawyers, chaoticians–you’re here because we need the best experts in the expert business to sign off on this project, and you’re it. Now, you already met one another on the helicopter ride over, so let me introduce myself. I’m Cave Johnson. I own the place.”

“Now, as you may have heard, we ran into a slight hitch with dinosaur DNA retrieval. The stuff’s full of holes, apparently. No quality control standards in the late Cretaceous. But it’s okay, Cave took care of it. Plugged all the gaps up with frog genes. Worked like a charm. Lab boys told me not to, said I should use reptile or bird DNA instead. But nobody tells me how to do my job! Amphibians are cheaper, and they don’t keep escaping. Mostly.”

“If those programmers think I’m going to pay them more money to make this park safe, they’ve got another thought coming. And that thought is ‘you’re fired,’ and it’s coming directly from me. Science doesn’t need to be safe, anyway. We’re pushing the envelope here. Can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.”

“I’ve got bad news and good news. Bad news is your scheduled tour of the raptor paddock has been indefinitely postponed due to unforeseen circumstances. Good news is, we are pleased to announce a brand-new, exciting, hands-on way for you to meet our raptor pack. Just pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You’ll know when the tour starts.”

lizawithazed:

itsbenedict:

So, sir, I’m just not sure about these claims that mountains don’t exist. I mean- now, I’ve seen them, but I’ll grant you that the highway patrol could be using some kind of strange optical illusion. I hardly know what it’d be, heat lensing or mirrors or glass or swamp gas or the like (swamp gas is really versatile!)- but let’s grant that’s possible.

Except the fact remains that I’ve climbed a mountain, or part of one, a little one, I’m no mountaineer, but it definitely counted. And that seems harder to fake. Setting aside stuff like memory modification, to fake the existence of a mountain to someone who’s climbing it and having difficulty scaling its steep slopes- that seems like the kind of operation people would notice. Like, what, maybe mountains are just very large tarps, and when people “climb” them, people underground are raising poles underneath those tarps to create temporary slopes to fool my sense of balance? 

But- that’s a big endeavor. You probably need a lot of people and resources to pull it off. I’m a twenty-something, which means I’ve spent lots of time staring at job postings, and I’ve never seen a job posting for “Secret Underground Pole-Operated Mountain Faker”, even though if I saw that posting you know I’d take it in a heartbeat because that sounds like the coolest job in the world, but…

…what was I saying, again? Whatever.

I can’t tell if this is biting satirical commentary I’m not getting or just a highly advanced shitpost but either way I’m in awe