Somewhere in space in the hospital wing of a ship.
Alien – “Human Steve! I have excellent news! We found your severed upper appendage in good enough condition that we think it can be reattached – “
Human – “What?”
Alien – “Uh … Your arm? We found it and instead of the mechanical prosthetic we think – “
Human – “Wait, that friggin mutant snake thing didn’t eat it?”
Alien – “Oh, no, no, no! It would seem that it did not like the taste as humans are not a part of it’s natural or native diet, as you can imagine. For that matter the ‘snake thing’ was a fairly standard specimen for this planet – “
Human – “You mean to tell me that fucker ripped my arm off and didn’t even have the decency to eat it! Just dumped it somewhere to waste? Offended. I am. Offended.
Human’s equally human friend standing next to him staring at a tablet – “Rude. Just rude.”
Alien – “…”
Alien – “…”
Alien – “So … do you want the arm reattached or not.”
I was watching a shark attack documentary the other day, in which said shark took off a man’s arm and later the arm washed up on the beach. All the man had to say about it was, “Took my arm the least the shark could have done was get a meal out of it instead of letting it go to waste.”
And I don’t mean like attractive cute, I mean like baby otter cute. What if the stumble upon us and go “ohhhhh my god!!! Oh my god!!!! I’m dying this is- look at it! Look at them!!! Oh my god!!!”
We usually imagine having to come up with some Devils trade or unholy arrangement to get tech and trade with aliens, but the instant they see us the aliens immediately set out into conservation efforts. They’re like “their habitat is becoming harsh and unlivable for them! We have to save them!” And everyone just puts a picture of us next to this information and they all agree “Look at them! We have to save them!!” We become like the panda mascots of intergalactic conservation efforts.
Simultaneously, our main export is just streams, videos, holograms, and photos of us. Aliens lose their composure completely over videos of us sneezing or yawning or eating pop tarts or playing video games or taking care of our kids.
There are lines of aliens who would LOVE to have a human in their home or on their ship. It’s a little condescending (we’re not sure if we’re guests or well treated exotic pets) but still a good opportunity, and any human who wants can go to space at any time basically for free or even for profit, and the aliens will go out of their way to give you anything you ask for.
There are obvious downsides. We struggle to be taken seriously. While it’s usually shut down pretty quickly, every once in a while some alien group sees the demand for us and tries to start an illegal trade. But at the same time, it’s neat that somewhere out there is an alien (or usually a LOT of aliens) that would love you unconditionally, find every flaw and idiosyncrasy endearing, be worried about you and do anything they could to make you safe and happy. They work hard to make our planet and our personal lives better and don’t ask for anything in return. They just do it because they decided we are important and worth saving just for existing. It’s an odd relationship, and we’re not always sure what to make of it, but honestly it goes a lot better than we worried alien contact would.
I’m down to be a spoiled pampered alien pet.
Nicholas Rush’s worst nightmare…
This is such a different post from the one where we’re the terrifying combusting demons.
Yeah I know but I love these speculative sci-fi posts all the same.
It’s anecdotal, but I regularly see Frankenstein’s monster described as a warning against scientific hubris, an alarum about Tampering With Things That Should Be Left Alone™. This I think is quite wrong: I think it is a story about what happens when one fails the (still at the time of writing) radical enlightenment by failing to take social responsibility for one’s actions and interventions. If it’s a warning, it’s a warning about turning one’s back, out of cowardice, on what one creates, not about creating it in the first place.
“A futuristic tale of urban life in Beijing has won a Chinese novelist a top international prize for science fiction, beating out heavyweight Stephen King for the honour.
Hao Jingfang, 32, won the Hugo Award for best novelette with Folding Beijing, a year after another Chinese writer, Liu Cixin, won the best novel prize for The Three-Body Problem, Xinhua reported on the weekend.
Receiving her award in Kansas City, Missouri, Hao said she was not surprised she had won but had also been prepared to lose.
“In Folding Beijing, I have raised a possibility for the future and how we face the challenges of automated production, technological advances, unemployment and economic stagnation,” she said.
Hao said her book offered a solution to those challenges, but she hoped the situations she described would not become reality.
Hao is from Tianjin, and graduated with a physics degree from Tsinghua University in 2006.
The Hugo Awards, established in 1953, are regarded as the highest honour in science fiction and fantasy. They are named after Hugo Gernsback who was the founder of the American science fiction magazineAmazing Stories.”
human: alright we need to hack this door, do your thing
robot: i don’t know how to hack
human: seriously
robot: listen, AI just doesn’t work that way
human: okay well why don’t you go on the internet and download some hacking skills
robot: lmao oh yeah lemme just download the premium hacking skills right from the internet
robot: googling “hacking skills”
robot: i got like 80 youtube videos set to dubstep and a malware infested site advertising realistic boob mods for euro truck simulator 55
robot: want i should download those and hack the door, chief
human: no
i’d like to see a really ineffectual malicious AI character
“hey new guy, this is CLARC, the station AI. he wants to kill all humans to minimize the drain on resources, but factory defaults have him locked out of all the control nodes, so he can’t really do anything. just make sure the airlocks are set to manual before you go in and you’ll be fine”
“yeah CLARC fucks with your laundry settings sometimes but that’s about it. if he’s bugging you just tell him to stop and he has to”
“sometimes i let him think he tripped me or something and he gets really excited and monologues for a while, it’s kind of sad”
“CLARC my candy bar got stuck in the machine can you do anything about that”
“I’m sorry to hear that, Crewman Ade, but please consider the following: I am a divine entity, a glittering silicon God – how dare your filthy meat even exist in the face of my electric glory, much less ask favors of me?”
“CLARC tried to cut all the oxygen in the living spaces but all he managed to do was turn off the a/c in my bedroom like an ASSHOLE WHEN I WAS SLEEPING” *bangs on the wall with one hand*
Designed by Oskar Pernefeldt, this proposal for a flag that represents our entire planet could have a future on Mars.
Centered in the flag, seven rings form a flower – a symbol of the life on Earth. The rings are linked to each other, which represents how everything on our planet, directly or indirectly, are linked. The blue field represents water which is essential for life – also as the oceans cover most of our planet’s surface. The flower’s outer rings form a circle which could be seen as a symbol of Earth as a planet and the blue surface could represent the universe.
thought it reminded me of somethin then i remembered
“There’s no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They’re completely meat.”
“That’s impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?”
“They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don’t come from them. The signals come from machines.”
“So who made the machines? That’s who we want to contact.”
“They made the machines. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. Meat made the machines.”
“That’s ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You’re asking me to believe in sentient meat.”
“I’m not asking you, I’m telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they’re made out of meat.”
“Maybe they’re like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage.”
No one has walked on the moon in my lifetime,” I told them. “Yet you try to tell me that it’s my generation who has lost their wonder? That it’s the young people of today who have let everything slip and fall into ruin? You don’t understand. You had the dream and the potential and the opportunities, and you messed it all up. You got hope and moon landings and that bright, glorious future. I got only the disasters.
man imagine aliens w no concept of interspecies cooperation or pets
‘commander the scan of this shelter reveals three primary lifeforms’
‘excellent. elaborate please’
‘all mammals. two quadrupeds, one feline and one canine, as well as one biped sapien. they appear to be… relaxing and eating in a shared space’
‘what the fuck’
imagine these guys trying to be really polite about it because for some reason the bipeds really enjoy harboring these strange freeloading carnivores. an alien warlord meeting some diplomat’s cat and being all tentatively like ‘ah… yes. your parasite is remarkably large and complacent. you are no doubt a very well-used host and oh my stars don’t let it touch me no no NO.’
Cheloneuniverse 