arthur weasley, aka the world’s biggest muggleboo who probably larps as an office worker on the weekends
officemaster: you have… *rolls dice* successfully transferred the call to your boss’ voicemail! you hear the distant ringing of the fellytone from the inner office for a moment before the machine picks up, securely delivering the regional manager’s message to its intended recipient.
arthur weasley: *pumps fist in air, high-fives xenophilius lovegood*
sirius black: is it my turn yet?
officemaster: no.
xenophilius lovegood: i search the supply closet for binder clips.
officemaster: *rolls dice* you find a small cardboard box with three binder clips in it, but in the process of retrieving it from the high shelf, you knock a bottle of toner off. it hits your left pinky toe. *rolls dice* you lose 1 HP.
xenophilius lovegood: best fetch quest EVER.
sirius black: so is it my turn now?
officemaster: no, shut up. remus?
remus lupin: wait, is arthur still at the front desk?
arthur weasley: yeah
remus lupin: i approach the front desk. *clears throat* “Hello, Shirley. Were there any messages for me while I was out?”
arthur weasley: “Yes, Mr. Crumplebottom. Phillip Smythe from home office called about your business trip. I put him through to your voicemail.”
remus lupin: “Good work! Thank you very much. I shall remeber this come time for your Christmas bonus.”
sirius black: is it my turn yettt???
officemaster: merlin’s balls man, yes, it’s your turn
sirius black: i attempt to seduce the visiting sales representative
remus lupin: what? you can’t do that
sirius black: sure i can, i have like 25 charisma points
remus lupin: but we’ve all got the casual friday modifier right now, and if you get a sexual harassment lawsuit we can’t advance to the next meeting until the litigation phase is over
sirius black: i’m chaotic neutral, what were you expecting?
remus lupin: besides, arthur’s receptionist character found out she was married in the last session, remember? you would have to roll a natural 20
arthur weasley: hey, no metagaming–sirius’ character wasn’t there at the time, he was trapped in the fax machine
xenophilius lovegood: i still don’t think that’s how fax machines actually work
officemaster: sirius?
sirius black: yeah, arthur’s right, i couldn’t have known about that. *shrugs* i attempt to seduce her.
remus lupin: oh my god i hate you so much right now
sirius black: get bent lupin
remus lupin: you wish
sirius black: i don’t have to
officemaster: *rolls dice* *winces*
sirius black: what? what happened?
Yeah! What happened?!
Sirius botched both his action and his save. His character was fatally bear-maced in the face. Remus’ character was forced to spend an entire session on sensitivity training for his remaining employees. Sirius returned in the following session as a dual-class IT guy and paladin.
but real question: who’s the officemaster??
I just came across this again and I realized I never addressed this very important question: the officemaster is and always was Aberforth.
“Hermione took out a list of subjects and titles she had decided to search while Ron strode off down a row of books and started pulling them off the shelves at random. Harry wandered over to the Restricted Section.”
Okay but this is legit a summary of how the trio works: Hermione is methodical and organised, Ron is “fuck this I’m winging it #yolo”, and Harry looks for something illegal to do.
A concept: Hermione sending howlers to her kids on the Minister for Magic stationary. The letterhead and all official insignia become part of the soundblast.
THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC OF THE UNITED KINGDOM AND THE REPUBLIC OF IRELAND
LEVEL ONE THE MINISTER FOR MAGIC’S OFFICE
HUGO FREDERICK WEASLEY, YOU BEST HAVE A WHOLE PRESENTATION ABOUT EXACTLY HOW YOUR NAME WOUND UP IN THAT BLASTED GOBLET AND MOST IMPORTANTLY HOW IT CAME BACK OUT. INTERPRETIVE DANCE RECOMMENDED. HAS OUR FAMILY’S TRACK RECORD TAUGHT YOU ABSOLUTELY NOTHING? I AM SURE YOU ARE AWARE THAT THIS IS ONLY A VANGUARD OF A PERSONAL APPEARANCE OF YOURS TRULY.
TOURNAMENT NOR BINDING MAGICAL CONTRACT WILL HAVE TIME TO KILL YOU AS I’LL GET THERE FIRST. I AM SO CROSS.
THE RIGHT HONOURABLE MADAME HERMIONE JEAN GRANGER-WEASLEY, MINISTER FOR MAGIC, ORDER OF MERLIN FIRST CLASS, SPECIAL ADVISOR TO THE INTERNATIONAL CONFEDERATION OF WIX, GRAND SORCERESS
according to JKR, lockhart was born in 1964, which would make him 28 at the time of “chamber of secrets”
do you realize what this means
most of lockhart’s coworkers, who all hated him so much, may have had to teach him at one point.
snape would’ve been in school with him, albeit a few years ahead.
imagine teaching/going to school this raging narcissistic dumbass, and then he graduates and from then on, no matter how bad life gets, you think, “at least i’ll never have to deal with gilderoy fucking lockhart ever again”
and then
he gets famous
he’s hailed as a hero
your students and your mum all have crushes on him
and then
he gets hired at your place of work
tl;dr: lockhart is lucky no one in the staffroom stabbed him by midterm season
One of my least favorite shots in the entire Harry Potter franchise is the one where Voldemort is leaning over Dumbledore’s corpse to take the Elder wand.
I hate it so much. What is the rest of his body doing? It’s implied that he’s planking ominously in the air. Some people might say ‘oh this is homoerotic’ but PLANKING OMINOUSLY IN THE AIR is both unsexy and too ridiculous to be properly evil. I hate this shot and I hate that it was echoed in The Dark Tower movie with Walter and Roland.
In CoS when they try to sneak into Myrtle’s bathroom to ask her about her death, McGonagall catches them and Harry makes up the excuse that they wanted to see Hermione in the hospital wing and Minnie doesn’t give them detention and then comes this and since we all know Harry’s dumbest excuse, here’s the official suggestion to rate all of Harry’s excuses on a scale from
Cheloneuniverse 