harry potter au where dumbledore is replaced by ron swanson
“Son, did you or did you not place your name in this stupid fire cup?”
“Welcome back to school, children. This year, your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher will be this woman from the Ministry of Magic. Why the government is interfering in the affairs of a private institution is beyond me. If you have any complaints, please do not bring them to me. End of speech.”
“Sir, why did Voldemort want to kill me?” “There was some stupid prophecy made that you would defeat him. I do not believe in prophecies. He did and now he’s dead. Learn something from that.”
“I made this wand with my bare hands. People chasing the Elder Wand are cheap and useless at woodworking.”
I think James and Lily asked Sirius to be godfather before Harry was born, tbh. It was wartime, and they knew Voldemort was after them fairly early I believe (though JKR has given conflicting timelines for when they went into hiding). I think they wanted Sirius to know their intentions right away… just in case the worst happened, to any of them.
I see dogfather Sirius as being a little shit, getting Harry the latest toys that are dangerous, or sing annoying songs, or are prone to catch fire, etc. He makes jokes about taking Harry on his motorcycle and feeding him the booger flavoured Bertie Botts beans.
But when he’s actually on official babysitting duty, he panics a bit when he realizes, oh shit, I am in charge of this tiny thing, this easily breakable little poof, and- no, Harry, don’t touch that! By the time James and Lily come home, Harry is seated on the couch wearing Sirius’ motorcycle helmet, surrounded by a barricade of pillows.
James and Lily always knew they made the right choice. They always had complete faith in Sirius. Hence partly why they were confident in his secret keeper switching plan.
I know I will be dead long before you read this but I want you to know that it was I who discovered your secret. I have stolen the real Horcrux and intend to destroy it as soon as I can. I face death in the hope that when you meet your match you will be mortal once more.”
Yeah yeah Snape changed for Lily blah blah blah Regulus changed for his house elf! Regulus decided to defy the most powerful dark wizard in history because of his house-elf. Seriously! This is canon! He decided to leave after he saw how Voldemort was mistreating Kreacher! That is 1000x better than your Hollywood-inflated one-sided tragic romance story. Not to mention that when Regulus went to swap the horcrux with his locket, he drank the poison so that Kreacher wouldn’t have to. How very considerate of you Regulus. He could have easily ordered Kreacher to drink the poison and he could have done his deed unscathed. But no. He didn’t want Kreacher to get hurt so he drank the poison, went too close to the lake, and was dragged under. Because of a house-elf. Not because of a woman. A house-elf. That is just so wonderfully innocent, it’s heartbreaking. Don’t show me Snape uncharacteristically hugging a dead body in a scene that wasn’t in the book! Show me the canon scene of Regulus being tortured by the poison that he took so that Kreacher wouldn’t have to. Between the two of them, the second one is way more likely to reduce me to a bawling baby that’s curled in the corner. Don’t show me The Prince’s Tale. Show me the King’s tale!
“Regulus Arthur Potter, you were named after two of the bravest men I’ve ever known, and one of them was a Slytherin.”
A much better name than Albus Severus because Regulus actually seemed like a decent guy and DIDN’T BULLY CHILDREN. And Arthur was a great father figure who DIDN’T FORCE A CHILD INTO AN ABUSIVE HOUSEHOLD
If Grimmauld Place is the ancestral manor and has been around since say the Middle Ages can you imagine the Black family’s horror when all of a sudden that part of muggle London is being built all around them?
“They’re building in our front yard, and it’s going to be –long suffering pause– a townhouse.”
“Muggles. Muggles everywhere! Hide the children!”
“What if we pick up Grimmauld Place and move it somewhere else?” “This thing is so old it’s being held together by gold-plated spell-o-tape and magic, do you want it to fall apart?”
Cheloneuniverse 