the funniest vampire bullshit will forever be some vampire lamenting having to kill while theyre actively killing and monologuing like “truly, I am the most hated creature in god’s narrowed eye, the new modern prometheus, my purpose an eternal question, my existence a curse. is there a single person, even a fleeting thought, that has ever spent a moment beneath the same moon as I while feeling this unique pain? Pity me, world, for no one now is as miserable as I”
and the dude literally bleeding to death in the vampire’s arms, they never get a line, but if they did, it would probably be “okay now hold up if this is a contest about who’s having the worse fucking night,”
Tag: Fantasy
Your church-going, God-worshipping sister adopted a small child and you’re excited to see them. But when you do, the child is a menace. They’re throwing things everywhere, setting furniture on fire with seemingly nothing, chanting in Latin to summon demons, but the weirdest thing is that your sister doesn’t seem to mind.
“You literally adopted the antichrist, Anne. What the fuck.”
“Yeah, I knew when I saw him at the orphanage. I figured if the kid had some decent fucking parenting that we could avoid the whole ‘Revelations’ shite. Nasty business, that.”
George, who’s name has been kindly changed from Damien, approaches his new mother with a huge spider in his hands. It promptly bursts into flames.
“Good job, love. Now go find the rest.” George’s face makes no expression, but his eyes shine when he recieves a pat on the head for his efforts.
As the months go by, George seems to settle down. He adjusts to school, friends, and the positive reinforcement Anne gives him. She encourages the good he does, even though the powers he uses aren’t “good”. When she gets calls from the school, it’s about a rambunctious boy that won’t sit still. Not a destroyer of the world and innocence.
It’s at Christmas dinner, that you let slip your amazement to your mother. How good Anne is for him and how he’s improved a lot. Still summoning hellhounds for games of fetch, though.
“Oh, he’ll forget how to do that when he falls in love the first time,” Your mother laughs, smiling wide.
“How do you know that,” you ask bewildered.
“Because, you did.”
okay so someone please write the story of the family of super-low-key holy warriors who have made it their mission to locate the antichrist in every generation (because when one gets spoiled they try AGAIN) and adopt them and love them into not being the antichrist anymore, thus perpetually delaying the apocalypse
delaying the apocalypse via good parenting I love this
I feel someone’s channelling their inner Neil Gaiman (& Terry Pratchett)
and then there’s Auntie Jane. She’s aro, and she’s never quite grown out of her ‘summoning hellbeasts’ phase
all my bear owl (or owlley cats) gifs in one post! all inspired by the same creature in the croods, just with different owls
Concept: a bunch of high school Satanists get drunk in the local graveyard and try to conjure a demon, but they’re using one of those “reconstructionist” ritual books that gets its sources all mixed up, so they end up with a minor Mithraic fertility spirit that hasn’t spoken with humans in like 1700 years instead. By the terms of its binding it’s not allowed to leave until it’s ensured a successful harvest for its summoners, which is a problem, because none of these goobers have ever raised so much as a houseplant; if it wants to go home, it’s going to have to teach them how to garden – whether they want to learn or not!
This sounds like an adorable slice of life anime that I would watch to soothe my anxiety.
Considering the all-encompassing responsibilities of early fertility spirits, it might also need to ensure the fecundity of their herds too. Possibly starting with local stray dogs and cats gravitating to their homes, followed by wild pigs and stray cattle and sheep migrating from distant farmland. And there may be difficulties of a more, ahem, PERSONAL nature as well, as the spirit tries to overcome modern birth control techniques to bring about a healthy new generation for the families of it’s summoners…
“scythes are impractical battle weapons” you say but i can’t hear you over the swish swish of my huge fucking scythe, which is cool
Cinderella “plot holes” I am tired of hearing about
- “Why didn’t her step family recognize her?” Because royal balls were basically the candle lit equivalent of clubbing in terms of both lighting and sheer numbers. Even if they were right next to her, they probably wouldn’t get a good look, especially since it would have started after sundown. Also, she was the help; they probably hadn’t looked at her in years.
- “Looking for someone based on their shoe size is stupid!” See above.
- “Was he going to have every size seven in the kingdom try the slipper on?” Prior to industrialization most garments were made by hand to fit the buyer’s measurements, including shoes. It’s why poor people only had one pair. It’s a lot smarter when you consider that they would’ve fit her like a glove.
- “You can’t run down stairs in heels!” I know this is a misconception resulting from historical revisionism and disneyfication, but high heels were not originally women’s shoes. They were worn by men. Women wore slippers, which were basically ballet flats. So it’s debatable.
- “Glass shoes don’t make any sense!” Okay first of all, it’s called the suspension of disbelief, and secondly, they’re gold in every other version but Perrault decided to change them to something else expensive.
- “She just went to the ball to find a man!” I know this isn’t a plot hole but listen. As the daughter of a widower Cinderella would’ve been running the household finances and acting as hostess if he hadn’t remarried. By demoting Cinderella to a servant, her step-mother essentially guaranteed that she would never escape the house, because the only way for her to escape and maintain her status was to marry well, and no one was going to marry a servant. It was essentially the historical equivalent of your mom stealing your college acceptance letters out of the mailbox.
this was not an analysis i was prepared for, i’ll tell you that
As an addition to 6, she didn’t originally go to the ball to find a man, she went to the ball to have a good time. It was just pure chance and dumb luck she danced with the Prince who decided that she was the one.
Okay, but why did the prince need to do the shoe thing? Couldn’t he have just looked at her face? And why did everything else change back to normal except the shoe?
idk how to tell ya’ this man, but it’s probably because it’s a fantasy
Boring old werewolf instincts:
Sexual jealousy
Constant aggression
Rigid hierarchy
Must win sports
Homophobia And Sexism Is Normal™
Eat people
Cool new werewolf instincts:
There is no five second rule
Corvids are friends
Hang out as a pack
Karaoke
Gotta pee
Also consider:
Separation anxiety
Unconditional love and loyalty
Being able to sleep in almost any situation or position
Irresistible urge to chase squirrels and rabbits
Hating the vacuum cleaner
Wanting to do everything with friends
Loudly and repeatedly announcing to housemates that someone is at the door
Long, shouted conversations to other werewolves across the neighborhood (bonus points at 2am)
Taking advantage of any and all free food
Werewolf-vampire solidarity
Fighting any animal that trespasses into the backyard
Boundless energy
Too much energy
Eating out of the trash if it smells tasty
Being bad at sports because you don’t want to let anyone else take the ball from you. Then destroying the ball in front of everyone because you want to make a point
Trying to fight things 10x your size like a fucking idiot
Being unable to hold a grudge for more than a few hours
Trying to make people feel bad for you over mundane things that aren’t actually that bad. And somehow succeeding.
Snoring
Needing to try a bit of your friends’ food, even if you’ve tried it 5645674 times before and have never once liked it
Getting way too friendly with random strangers
Being in a love-hate relationship with water
Digging. For no reason.
Thinking you’re a badass despite being a hyperactive ball of emotions and hedonism
Loud sobbing while pressing yourself up against the sliding glass door at your friends who locked you out because they were tired of your bullshit and wanted some goddamn peace and quiet
Okay this one is a gem:
“
Loudly and repeatedly announcing to housemates that someone is at the door“
So most of these are very dog oriented, which makes sense to me, since dogs are just wolves that have co-evolved with us for thousands and thousands of years BUT I wanted to add a few that are wild wolf based:
- Multigenerational households!
- Kids get really excited when someone comes home with groceries
- “I can HELP put away the food!” “Oh, and have you whisk away the ice cream like last week? I’m fine, dear.”
- Love to travel and follow food trends
- Mostly very social and must have roommates/family/significant other/kids/friends around
- However, not uncommon to travel alone for periods of time, especially after leaving home
- Big friendly communal meals with lots of ritual around who gets served in what order
- “Let grandma take her pick of the turkey first. It’s respectful, and she won’t take kindly to you cutting the line.”
- Full pantries, stocking up on basics, the kind of people who always have extra oatmeal, or batteries, or a jump cable
- Can hold conversations using body language and eye contact without saying a word
- Cuddlers, especially with the social group
- Yelling to get everyone to gather, and phone chains for anyone who lives further away
- Lots of singing, the pack has a bunch of favorite songs that everyone knows by heart, and some may be song writers
- “Can you smell this? Does this smell weird? Does this smell good?”
- Lots of candles and incense with unusual scents
- Passing houses and farms and land down through generations
- Love home renovation
- Communal child care and sometimes communal nursing
- Kids are all really into wrestling and being outside
- When someone is ready to leave the household, the younger they leave the further they tend to travel. Someone who leaves at 18 might go to another country, but someone who leaves at 26 might just move a town away.
- Whether someone moves far or close to home, it’s not unusual to move back in at home a few times before settling down
- “You know the futon is always open for you. Your cousins are in your old bedroom, but you’re always welcome!”
- Kinda grumpy about neighbors pushing property boundaries
- “Why do they have to let the damn mulberry tree hang over OUR driveway?”
- Good endurance runners
- Late walks at night, naps in the middle of the day
- Really playful, especially with kids
- Lots of rough housing and board game nights!
I’ve been looking for the one with the wolf-aspects added for a while and I found it again! Reblogging for A+ extra wolfy content!
wolves are not what you should be afraid of.
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Short comic I did for @intrudercomics’s Extruder #2 anthology a few months ago. The original comic in the zine is just two pages, but I decided after the fact that a third page would be good. I believe you can still pick up a copy of Extruder at Fantagraphics Seattle and at Push/Pull. :3
Cheloneuniverse 