tbh i would CHEAT LIKE A MOFO and make it ot3 instead.
1. Gil and Agatha meet in Beetleburg at university after Gil was kicked out of Paris. Agatha knows she’s the Heterodyne – Punch and Judy told her when she turned 18. She doesn’t tell Gil Holzfaller, though she does tell him she has a secret identity after he emos because he has a secret identity and yes, Gil, I don’t care you’re Teufel’s son, If You Knew My Family. At least your dude’s band of hardened criminals was disbanded. :((((
2. Agatha leaves U, claims her title, surprises everyone – they turn around and she’s already in total control, whoops – and now politics have to include her as an equal participant, not as someone you try an army on as a first reaction. but armies are very much still a possibility le gasp.
3. Gil is maneuvered into marrying Anevka to stabilize the Wulfenbach rule, while Agatha is maneuvered into marrying Tarvek. (that’s grandma’s plan tbh.) (also since Agatha showed up Aaronev knew where the Holy CHild was and that she was alive and all, and was less tempted to put his old mistress into his daughter’s body. eeegh.)
3a. Agatha hasn’t even met Tarvek yet. (or like, any sturmvarious, so people are trying to talk her into choosing Tweedle or fukken cousin Leopold.) She’s very sad she can’t kidnap-and-marry Gil Teufel but oh lawd would this freak out the whole continent. Sad sigh of sadness But I Will Soldier On. 3b. meanwhile Gil always knew he was gonna have to sacrifice for the empire but DAMN IT FATHER WHY DON’T YOU MARRY A STURMv… oraus what do you mean my mom is still alive and they don’t practice polygamy. Ha Ha “polyandry yes” MARRY A DUDE THEN asjkgjgh why meeee sobs.
4a. Gil finds Anevka fucking terrifying and creepy and he thinks if he’s married to her he will NEVER have peace she will have tried to assassinate him seven time by their first anniversary, he can tell. but Seffie is… not a spark and sorry Seffie he has to deny her, he’d be BORED sorry sorry he still prefers Anevka. .___. if he manages to outwit her he’ll be sharper AND more respected right?? Gotta be Anevka. She has the better claim, too. 4b. Agatha finds Tarvek agreeable, flattering and spineless, Tweedle insufferably boorish and presumptuous, and Leopold entirely forgettable. Then she walks into them trying to kill each other and oh hey Tarvek is not as spineless as he seemed, huh. Tricky boy.
5. … Aaronev like HEY WHO CARES ABOUT MARRYING OUR WAY BACK INTO A DE FACTO RULE I WANT MY LUCREZIA BACK *NOW* It’s a total fucking mess. Tarvek and Anevka help Agatha out because they MUCH prefer the non-Other solution to the empire thing and also fuck you dad. Gil and Klaus join up with an army, it turns into several days of bloodbath trying to contain the town’s revenants and Geisters, etc etc.
Gil and Agatha recognize each other as Gil and Klaus finally break through into the castle to find her trying to comfort Tarvek as he cradles the body of his sister.
6. O ShIt O nO.
7. Agatha and Gil put aside their noes to help Tarvek take a print of his sister’s damaged brain readings so he can try an imprint (like madame desmana in paris! all he’s got left sobsobs.) then mourning while working ensues. gil is torn because he didn’t leave paris and tarvek in friendship and now dude’s stealing his gf but his sister just fukken died, and agatha is torn because gil you’re WHO but ahhwgh fiancé i was starting to like all vulnerable and furiously desperate and bared open by grief which she could tell, like, neve happens, and that pings her in the feels something awful.
8. anyway the anevka copy is mostly a success but she’s still not even a direct copy, she’s a post-mortem partial download and being a clank now she is SUPER not suitable to marry Gil.
but Gil already went through his options and he is NOT MARRYING SEFFIE.
no he’s not marrying that random cousin who’s even farther down the line of sucession either that is pointless. he would marry violetta though – can’t? why the fuck not, he could WORK with violetta, just recognize her and… ok ok FINE. anyway he’s very hurt/confused/lonely/sad over Agatha still being poised to marry tarvek (tho he’s oddly glad tarvek won’t be alone)
…okay fine he might marry seffie after all…
9. agatha: hey what was that you said about your mom and polyandry what a grand idea LET’S BOTH MARRY TARVEK. :3c
anyway the whole continent bitches at them that this CANNOT HAPPEN omg???? but once they get stuck on that solution they’re like IT’S THAT OR NOTHING BITCHES and eventually the valoises and associates give in, bitching all the while, because the power of the storm king will be falling even faster back into their family’s hands, they would have had to like, marry gil/anevka and agatha/tarvek’s kids to each other a generation or two down. it’s super shocking and risqué and they Don’t Approve of the impropriety aspect at ALL but since when have they placed that against potential power, i will ask you.
Anyway Tarvek ends up their husband indeed but he has almost no legal power over each of their dominions. he’s a figurehead/advisor. it satisfies everyone inside the marriage and no one outside of it. XD
I could feel myself falling from an aeroplane I hear static when I close my eyes I imagine one day things settling And I think about what that might be like
Something that isn’t really addressed in “It takes a village” is that, while Agatha dresses pretty much like she does in canon while she’s in Mechanicsburg, she has a radically different fashion sense in Beetleburg, where she decided that in order to pass herself as a Very Normal Student, Nothing To See Here, she simply had to crib Vanamonde’s fashion sense.
Possibly that’s just because the mental image she has for ‘respectable young adult’ is Van, and a general unawareness of the fact that, no… Van is… he’s just a fancy goth. Also these are not her colors.
But also, because she tends towards dark and cool colors, it gives her a much more matronly vibe that does help when it comes to keeping the other students in line.
Later, after they find out she’s a Heterodyne, many of the people who knew her at TPU will think ‘oh, that explains why she always dressed so creepy’, but no. No, that was just her plan for blending in. That was Agatha trying to be subtle.
Okay so 1: This is hilarious and I’ve never read anything better in my life,
2: To be fair to Agatha, she learned subtle from Mechanicsburg and particularly from jägers, so honestly this is pretty good.
since getting out of the timestop, tarvek has color coordinated his hair tie to his outfit 4 times… amazing.
Okay but how many of these times did he actually choose his own outfit? He keeps being kidnapped, he at least has limited options. So is everyone just… providing him with matching hair ties because that’s What You Do in this world, or is he sparkily hunting down/making matching hair ties offscreen? Or does he just carry around a supply of three dozen hair ties in varying shades all the time and no one’s bothered to take it away from him yet?
Teaching about Agatha Heterodyne’s life in future Europan classrooms is going to be a trip, and let me tell you why.
It’s going to be like the first lesson, and the teacher’s going to be saying some bullshit like, “Agatha Heterodyne lived between 1872-1964 and died at 90 years of age.”
And someone in class will do some quick math and be like “teacher, don’t you mean 92 years of age?”
And the teacher’s going to be like “no, no, we’re not counting the two years she was in the timestop”
And I know what you’re thinking, how young are these kids? Wouldn’t the timestop be, like, general historical knowledge? It was kind of a big deal at the time.
But I will bet you cash money that, since then, at least 15 to 20 other wacky, improbable major scale events have taken place in Mechanicsburg, and the timestop just… kinda got lost in that shuffle. Like yes, one or two kids in class are going to know about the timestop before hand, but most likely someone’s going to be like,
“But wait, I thought that lasted six months, not two years?”
And the teacher’s going to sigh and be like, “no, you’re thinking of the time loop of 1929, we’re studying that one next semester”
And everybody, including the teacher, is going to be thinking “fucking Mechanicsburg.”
Current mood: a “Gil raised on Skifander” au where Zeetha pesters Agatha into asking her brother out by talking about what a HOT COMMODITY he is back home as the EXOTICALLY BEAUTIFUL son of the Queen of Skifander, and how mom has to beat back his suitors with a STICK because there are so many and Gil breaks ALL their hearts because he’s waiting for his One True Love
Gil hears this after a while and is like “NONE OF THAT IS TRUE” but it is. it’s all true. Gil is like, Martian Cleopatra and has at least fifteen love poems written about him every week and he hates it so much
Honestly as hilarious as this is and as much as I can see Zeetha trying that, I don’t really imagine Agatha caring how much of a hot commodity Gil is back in Skifander. Maybe a little bit if she decides they’re competition, but even then, they’re in Skifander and Agatha is the Heterodyne, clearly she wins, they are not a threat. I don’t think she’d really be motivated by Gil being the perfect trophy boyfriend.
Now, Tarvek on the other hand….
Zeetha tells Agatha all of this attempting to get her to ask Gil out. Tarvek overhears and asks Gil out himself. Agatha later asks them both out, somewhat aggressively due to thwarted spark irritation about not being the first to ask. (They’re both into it though so that’s fine.)
Current mood: a “Gil raised on Skifander” au where Zeetha pesters Agatha into asking her brother out by talking about what a HOT COMMODITY he is back home as the EXOTICALLY BEAUTIFUL son of the Queen of Skifander, and how mom has to beat back his suitors with a STICK because there are so many and Gil breaks ALL their hearts because he’s waiting for his One True Love
Gil hears this after a while and is like “NONE OF THAT IS TRUE” but it is. it’s all true. Gil is like, Martian Cleopatra and has at least fifteen love poems written about him every week and he hates it so much
u know the scene from the beginning of Aladdin where the douchy prince storms out because his pants got eaten and Jasmine is like “but daaaaaaaad I want to marry for love” and is a Rebellious Princess™
that’s Gil. Gil is the Rebellious Princess™
I think about this constantly, and also the implications of the implied gender role flip going on in Skifander, and how the
archetype of what a Skiff prince should be is probably like, swoons and lets princesses rescue him, and does subtle political maneuvering behind the curtain and would probably break a nail if he ever picked up a sword, and Gil doesn’t fit that at all but TARVEK ABSOLUTELY DOES
Cheloneuniverse 