ciiriianan:

Me @ Tarvek from that AU: You fall through the hole in the fabric of space-time like the dweeb you are.

Tarvek: I’m not a dweeb.

Me: And then you attract the geisterdamen to Barry while he’s fleeing and they kill him

Tarvek: WHAT

Me: And you kill them.

Tarvek: Thank you.

Me: And Barry asks you with his dying breath to take care of “her” and hands you baby Agatha

Tarvek: And I revivify him

Me: No, you’re in the middle of a snowy forest with nothing useful around but what Barry and the geisters brought with them

Tarvek: …

Me: Agatha’s going to get frost~bite

Tarvek: …

Me: OKAY YOU MAKE A SLEDGE AND BRING ALONG HIS BODY ARE YOU HAPPY NOW YOU STILL CAN’T REVIVE HIM TOO MUCH – AGH, you know the fuck what? He doesn’t tell you to take care of the baby because HIS BRAIN WAS DESTROYED now do you give up

Tarvek: You’re sadistic

Me: This is a whump fic. Anyway, you carve “Venice” into a tree to let your spouses know where to look for you when they come through because you already had that logic train, and you burn Barry’s body. And take his tools. And set off with baby Agatha to Venice.

Tarvek: I can’t call her Agatha that’s my wife’s name and they are biologically identical and it’s creeping me out.

Me: Don’t worry, you’re not your father. You name her Teodora after her grandmother.

Tarvek: Yes.

Me: And you work your way to Venice by, um,

Tarvek: Repairing Spark work

Me: Have you planned this?

Tarvek: I have plans for everything.

Me: Okay, well, you’re good at repairing Spark work so you get to Venice with some money and not starving, and you set up as a tailor

Tarvek: Using the passcodes I found in Paris I insinuate myself as one of the Incorruptible Library’s spies.

Me: Using the what now?

Tarvek: They were old when I found them.

Me: Okay, you … do that. And you raise Ag- Teodora, and when she starts breaking through you replicate the locket

Tarvek: FUCK YOU

Me: Language! Barry’s logic still stands. If it’s a comfort, you do it better and it doesn’t hurt her hardly at all. You’re very good.

Tarvek: Thanks. Fuck you anyway.

Me: And you collect enough information to get the Baron a persuasive message suggesting that he hunt for the Other’s minions in Sturmhalten and he does and baby!you ends up being raised on Castle Wulfenbach forever hooray.

Tarvek: And where are my spouses? They are looking for me.

Me: They are having temporal issues, they don’t find you until you’ve got Teodora set up as the Heterodyne with the repaired Castle and the help of the Jägers. And then it’s been like three years for them and twenty for you and it is ~awkward~ but you love each other anyway and Teodora agrees that you have to go home and the Muses are like: We take our eyes off of you for TEN MINUTES and you age twenty years, WHAT THE HELL YOUR MAJESTY And you rewrite high fashion because you hate gammon cuffs.

Tarvek: You don’t even know what those are.

Me: ANYWAY you rule Europa and have a lot of children the end

Tarvek: Fuck you anyway.

Me: fair