joisbishmyoga:

Imagine Hermione and Rita Skeeter working together.

Hermione snares her early on by promising her ALL the dirtiest dirt EVER no really you can’t come up with this stuff in a million years the public will go ballistic… but ONLY if Rita brings her the records of Sirius Black’s trial.  She wants to know every tiny detail they squeezed out of him before chucking him in there, so that she knows what she’s up against in protecting Harry.

The dirtiest dirt, of course, begins with the fact that Sirius never had a trial (the scion of a noble house!  the homicidal traitor who knew everything about You-Know-Who and the Death Eaters!  and no one wanted a single scrap of intel!  Isn’t that MYSTERIOUS), and then Hermione starts up with Pensieves and Veritaserum and who knows what else to tell Rita aaaaaaaaaaall about the first three years at Hogwarts.

Romances and weeping orphans, bah, writing about that is beneath you, Rita, any halfwit intern can do that.  You want the REAL news, the REAL scandals, the shocking details that will have your readers up in arms slavering for your next byline.

And here’s poor bemused Harry sitting on the sidelines, obliviously trying to figure out the egg while the wizarding government and Hogwarts staff falls down around his ears.

It would’ve been beautiful.  Like a mushroom cloud.