arthur weasley, aka the world’s biggest muggleboo who probably larps as an office worker on the weekends
officemaster: you have… *rolls dice* successfully transferred the call to your boss’ voicemail! you hear the distant ringing of the fellytone from the inner office for a moment before the machine picks up, securely delivering the regional manager’s message to its intended recipient.
arthur weasley: *pumps fist in air, high-fives xenophilius lovegood*
sirius black: is it my turn yet?
officemaster: no.
xenophilius lovegood: i search the supply closet for binder clips.
officemaster: *rolls dice* you find a small cardboard box with three binder clips in it, but in the process of retrieving it from the high shelf, you knock a bottle of toner off. it hits your left pinky toe. *rolls dice* you lose 1 HP.
xenophilius lovegood: best fetch quest EVER.
sirius black: so is it my turn now?
officemaster: no, shut up. remus?
remus lupin: wait, is arthur still at the front desk?
arthur weasley: yeah
remus lupin: i approach the front desk. *clears throat* “Hello, Shirley. Were there any messages for me while I was out?”
arthur weasley: “Yes, Mr. Crumplebottom. Phillip Smythe from home office called about your business trip. I put him through to your voicemail.”
remus lupin: “Good work! Thank you very much. I shall remeber this come time for your Christmas bonus.”
sirius black: is it my turn yettt???
officemaster: merlin’s balls man, yes, it’s your turn
sirius black: i attempt to seduce the visiting sales representative
remus lupin: what? you can’t do that
sirius black: sure i can, i have like 25 charisma points
remus lupin: but we’ve all got the casual friday modifier right now, and if you get a sexual harassment lawsuit we can’t advance to the next meeting until the litigation phase is over
sirius black: i’m chaotic neutral, what were you expecting?
remus lupin: besides, arthur’s receptionist character found out she was married in the last session, remember? you would have to roll a natural 20
arthur weasley: hey, no metagaming–sirius’ character wasn’t there at the time, he was trapped in the fax machine
xenophilius lovegood: i still don’t think that’s how fax machines actually work
officemaster: sirius?
sirius black: yeah, arthur’s right, i couldn’t have known about that. *shrugs* i attempt to seduce her.
remus lupin: oh my god i hate you so much right now
sirius black: get bent lupin
remus lupin: you wish
sirius black: i don’t have to
officemaster: *rolls dice* *winces*
sirius black: what? what happened?
Yeah! What happened?!
Sirius botched both his action and his save. His character was fatally bear-maced in the face. Remus’ character was forced to spend an entire session on sensitivity training for his remaining employees. Sirius returned in the following session as a dual-class IT guy and paladin.
but real question: who’s the officemaster??
I just came across this again and I realized I never addressed this very important question: the officemaster is and always was Aberforth.
Published
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