What if in the 2nd season of GSBO, Tobirama gets back at Hashirama by clearly favoring Kagami. (And thus begins Danzo’s fall of grace. Not only did Hiruzen get farther than he did, TWO Uchihas won the GSBO. Is it favoritism? Or is there something unfair about their eyes…!) (The secret is Tobirama enjoys a really good daifuku mochi. And Kagami made ones with at least 5 types of filling! And Hiruzen is a wizard when it comes to using matcha in his recipes.)

sloaners:

The Great Shinobi Bake Off is returning to Konoha.

The last season ended in a disaster that resulted in the esteemed Shodaime hastily passing the hat off to his brother and absconding off somewhere with the winner, Uchiha Madara, who burned down the bake off tent during the final round in a rage.

They’re likely still fighting each other to the death somewhere, judging by the strained grimace the Nidaime always has when the Shodaime sends him postcards.

Now it’s time for round two, and Shimura Danzō is ready.

Baking is precision. There are rules. A correct way to do things. Mastery of perfect baking is mastery as a perfect shinobi.

Baking is power. The formation of seemingly innocuous ingredients to concoct masterpieces of form and flavor that could bring the strongest to their knees.

A winner of Bake Off is a winner at life.

Shimura Danzō is ready. Ready to win.

—-

The first sign things might not go according to plan is when Koharu takes one look at his design plan for their Admiration Cake challenge and laughs at him.

“A bit obsessive, even for you, Shimura,” Koharu leers.

“There is nothing wrong with celebrating the power and will of the Shodaime!”

“You gave him an open shirt, Shimura. You’re sculpting him nipples and an eight pack out of fondant.”

How dare she; the Shodaime is the pinnacle of excellence, physically and mentally. Danzō dreams about his Wood Release.

He explains as much when the Nidaime stops by his table. And, hah, eat that, Koharu: he didn’t say anything negative about it! He… didn’t actually say anything about it at all. He just stared at the design specs and then stared at Danzō before turning around and walking away.

Worse, that suck-up Kagami is making his cake about the Nidaime, the judge! That has to be illegal or something.

“Tobirama-sensei is important to me,” Kagami totally simpers to the camera, “I’m making this cake with symbolic imagery: still water with a mirror glaze and flowing water of fondant to represent his calm wisdom and strength of character.”

Danzō wants to gag.

Worse still, Hiruzen is making a cake with both the Shodaime and the Nidaime.

“When I considered this challenge, both the Shodaime and the Nidaime came to mind. How could I choose between them? To only admire one is to neglect the influence and support of the other. I admire their teamwork and their applications of their collective strengths to help found the greatest village in the Elemental Nations. To this effect, I chose complimentary flavors that are greater together than they ever are separate.”

…Goddammit that’s genius.

—-

The technical challenge is… daifuku mochi.

Danzō blinks. “That—what, that’s not really thematically relevant.”

Torifu shrugs. “It’s technical?”

Whatever. Danzō can do this. Baking is nothing but technical. He’s going to win.

At judging, it’s down to Danzō and Kagami.

“In second place,” the Nidaime says, “is this one.” He points to—Danzō’s? No. No! That means—

“The winner of this week’s technical challenge is Kagami!”

Danzō seethes inside. What? What? How? Did he cheat? Use his Sharingan? Could Danzō only achieve true perfection with eyes like his?

“I actually make these every week—” Kagami tries to say, but Danzō won’t hear a word of it.

—-

The final challenge is monstrous. With only fifteen minutes to go, Danzō fears he won’t finish in time.

Hiruzen—already done, that asshole—comes over to his table. “Anything I can help with?”

“No,” says Danzō, not at all petulant.

“Here, I’ll help roll some fondant flowers.”

Hiruzen works next to Danzō as Danzō works as fast as he can to finish his icing, growing more frustrated with every little error. He’s about ready to flip over the cake stand when Hiruzen places a steady hand over Danzō’s.

He smiles, calm and warm, “You can do this. I believe in you.”

Danzō’s so flustered he drops the piping bag.

—-

Hiruzen even beats him to the fucking camera interview. “We all did so well. If I am the first to go, I’ll accept the loss, if only to see all the other contestants go farther.”

Danzō wanted to say that! Shit!

Then the moment arrives: the judging. Danzō thinks he has an excellent shot at star baker. His bakes were the best; he’s certain the technical was a total fluke.

“This week’s star baker had a flair for flavor, a keen eye for detail, and kept a cool head under pressure.”

Yes, this sounds like Danzō.

“And best of all, he really showed us the power of teamwork. Congratulations, Hiruzen!”

Fuck!

“Unfortunately one of you cannot join us next week, so we’ll have to say goodbye to… Danzō.”

Danzō is beginning to understand why the tent burned down last season. Is that it, then? Is that what it takes to rule in Konoha? Special eyes, sabotage?

That it doesn’t matter unless you win.

Oh, then Danzō will show them. He’ll become the true meaning of Star Baker.