The only reason Remus was never Quidditch commentator is because the games weren’t designed to handle that level of smart, sarcastic commentary.
Also, he said “Fuck” way too often for McGonagall to sanction it.
“Sorry, Professor.”
Remus: Ever Fucking Merlin above, great catch by James Fleamont Potter–
McGonagall: Mr. Lupin!
Remus: Sorry, Professor. Anyway, Slytherin’s got the Quaffle now, because some people feel like snogging instead of going to practice – I’m looking at you Frank Longbottom. And… yes! Avery is practically knocked into the next century by a bludger artfully aimed by Beater Shacklebolt. See, Longbottom? That’s what dedication and practice do for you.
McGonagall: Less personal grudges, more game commentary, Mr. Lupin.
Remus: Sorry, Professor. And is that…? Yes! Seeker McKinnon goes into a dive! She’s brilliant! She’s perfect! She’s… a lump on the ground. Apparently she can see the snitch from the other side of the pitch, but she can’t see the ground right in front of her fucking face.
McGonagall: Alright, you’re out.
remus: fuck, that was fucking close.
mcgonagall: mr. lupin……please….
remus: right, professor, of course. there goes diggory – never liked him much, but what can you do? – and gryffindor’s got the quaffle! and fucking yikes – look at that shit – that’s clearly a fucking foul! so apparently avery can knock my fucking boyfriend into the ground, but he can’t catch the quaffle. ha!
mcgonagall: tone down the swearing, if you will, mr. lupin?
remus: sorry, professor. and here we go, the two seekers are neck for neck, toe for toe, and wait – fucking hell! is seeker mckinnon pulling out her wand and summoning the fucking snitch? i take back everything i fucking said about her, she’s brilliant – and it didn’t work, amazing. truly warrants an outstanding.
mcgonagall: slytherin seems to have obtained the snitch, mr. lupin.
remus: [covering his eyes] i’m sorry, professor, i seemed to have not seen it, therefore it didn’t fucking happen.
Published
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